grandma has passed away mid this week.
she was admitted into hospital on monday due to breathlessness and i was not informed.
mummy conveniently didnt do so as this was not the first time grandma got hospitalised in the last 2 mths.
when i got the news on tue noon, i asked ah long to accompany me to visit her after work.
apart from being on the oxygen mask, she was pretty much herself.
able to acknowledge our presence and move her hands feebly around.
i really thought she was going to be discharged in few days time.
a distraughted mum called me on wed morn and said grandma's heartbeat has fallen low and the doc asked them to be mentally prepared.
so her 8 children (my uncles, big auntie and mum) took turn to visit her ward (due to the limit on visitors per ward cos of the swine flu scare) asking her to go peacefully. that she has nothing to worry for them.
i think she was blessed in a way that most of her loved ones were with her during her last moments.
it was ard 1pm when she left us.

i was just shocked when i first heard the news over the phone from my mum.
no tears. just a sense of heaviness around my heart.

ah long and me went straight from our house to the wake on wed night after settling baby.
upon reaching, my mum brought me to see my gramps in her coffin. i thought gramps looked absolutely peaceful.
thats when i started sobbing.
i've no idea why.
im not really sure if i cried because the death has finally settled in or my griefing mum.

that night when i was helping out with folding the incence paper, i realised my uncles, auntie and especially my own mum seem to age alot overnight.
the white t-shirt seems to hang on her thin frame and the skin on her forearms seem really wrinkled.
and her eyes. her eyes are no longer opaque black.
old people's eyes normally take on a translucent hue, if you have not noticed by now.
i felt like crying again. i was so scared of losing her that moment.

sigh. it is so cliche that we always start to realise the importance of our loved ones in the face of death.

on thursday night, my mum was up to her bad habits. skipping meals.
and after crying real bad during the last praying ritual, she fainted.
i was more pissed than sympathising.
why cant she take better care of herself?!
but i know she has to grief her way out of this episode.
so i can only call her again and again to make sure she eats a little here and there.

gramps will be incinerated this sunday morning. it still feel very surreal to me.
still cant really reconcile the fact that she is like really.. gone.
and not waiting around at circuit road for me to bring baby along to visit her on sundays.

sigh. i know life goes on and death is inevitable.
just trying my best to take all this in my stride as best as i can.
im only worried about my mum now.
hope she can cope better this time round as compared to my grandpa's death back then.
i really hope so.