last evening was a disaster.
i fetched yz from cc and reached home at 6pm.
no time to visit the loo or to even to change out of my working clothes, i busied myself preparing his dinner.
wash rice, put the pot on stove, cut vegetables + meat.
all this time , yz kept screaming and crying outside the kitchen's safety gate.
asking me to come out and carry him.
maybe he didnt nap enough at the childcare.
maybe he was feeling insecure after not seeing me for most of the day.
maybe i had a long day at work and not really in the mood to pacify an unreasonable baby.
so i shouted myself hoarse at him.
telling him that mummy is just in the kitchen doing stuff and not going anywhere.
telling him that mummy is preparing HIS porridge.
all these reasoning falls on his deaf ears from my shouting.
he continued to cry harder and at 1 point, a very sad him went to his own room and lied on the bed.
i softened up and asked him to come out and play with his toys or read a book.
MISTAKE.
he held on to my hand tightly and refused to let me go back to the kitchen.
and then the porridge bubbled up and started to overflow!
so i hitted his thighs and shouted at him again and rushed to the kitchen to salvage the porridge.
SIGH. and he sobbed all the more in the living room,
and the cycle began again with him crying for me to get out of the kitchen and me shouting at him.
ARGH!
the madness stopped when hubbi came home and proceeded to take care of the things in kitchen so i can just focus on feeding yz his dinner.
on hindsight, im really a lousy mummy.
i dont have the patience.
i dont have the patience.
i just dont have the patience.
when i saw his innocent sleeping face at night, i felt so guilty.
he's just a toddler who have yet to grasp what's right from wrong.
who just wants our attention and love.
and all i gave him are shoutings and tight slaps on his thighs/palms.
i will do better today.
i will.
p/s: on a sidenote, yz is slowly adjusting to childcare! he ran into the classroom this morning without even saying good bye to me! gosh!
hope this positive side of his will keep up! :)
3 comments:
Dun say that! I have been thru that episode many many many many many many many times!!!! So u are not alone. But we mummies surely will get better each day. Remember we are not perfect and we are also learning to be a good mother too.
Be calm. Usually nowaday when i am cooking, sherry will also bring her toys inside the kitchen n sit on the floor. Think they just want us to be near them. They do not want to be alone.
dun doubt urself gal! we are all learning everyday. i tink he simply misses u and wana be ard. itz ok girl. we just learn from it and emerge smarter & better ya? think lots of our kids do tend to test our patience alot.. =)
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