count my blessings, i will. (longest post ever?)

recently, i've the opportunity to talk to many others with regards to some planned changes in my life. its interesting how everyone differs in their thinking and perspective of life. so far, ive viewed myself to be pretty open-minded and definitely understand and accept that there are bound to be differences among people. my take is always for those who matter to me, i will try to resolve the differences or just accept them. for those whom i cant be bothered, i will keep contact to a minimal level so i wont get too affected by them. after all, vita brevis. life is really too short to be unhappy over unworthy causes. so hopefully, others can understand that ecookie is just another individual entitled to her own beliefs too. :) im turning 30 this year. i am at a crossroads. be it that im forced to be standing here at this junction or it is i myself who led me to be here, the train of thought process has started. so i think about my life. i think about the achievements and falls ive had in my 29years+ of existence. and i agree with a close friend of mine that a person should really count him/her blessings. so i shall count here. to remind myself of how fortunate i am.

1) health. im asthmatic. i was forced to stay off cold drinks of any kind till i was in mid-pri school when i secretly sipped cold drinks in school without my parents knowing. i have asthma attacks a few times a year but pretty under control with the help of my inhaler. i was dignosed to have irregular heartbeat during a routine health check up. a follow-up with a cardio specialist showed that one of my valve of the heart chamber is not functioning quite normally. test results showed that its not detrimental to my overall health as of now, anyway. so i guess, im pretty healthy. and all my love ones have no major health issues too. thats really one of the biggest blessings anyone can have.

2) love. i must have done some good deeds in my previous life to meet ah long. ive been falling in and out of love (are those really love?) at an alarming rate before i met him. i seldom talk about him here for im normally not the type who gushes over her other half. but now i shall highlight some of his good points, just to remind myself. haha.

sidetrack, my eyes never failed to tear whenever i heard of this song recently - <因为爱情> especially these few lines: 因为爱情 简单的生长依然随时可以为你疯狂 this is such an ideal situation. 我还可以随时为你疯狂吗？ the answer is not a definite yes. anyone in a r/s long enough will understand that 生活磨人. ive always been the more cynical one in this r/s. i always harp about how we must consistently monitor the r/s for a change in heart can happen ever so quickly w/o the 当事人 realising. but ah long, him being him, has always been firm in his belief that status quo should not change. im not sure if he is being over-idealistic or too simple in thinking. haha. but im thankful that he teaches me to have that lil' more faith in our marriage. 有时会突然忘了我还在爱着你 we need some reminders on-off, dont we all?

gosh, im getting teary suddenly. emo ninny like a certain mr ng.

i was watching again with ah long just 2 nights ago. i guess at the end of the day, its really important to find someone who really just accept you for who you really are. we have just past our 9 years mark and i can safely conclude he has seen my immature, bitchy, manipulative, vengeful, insensitve and many other bad sides. and he is still sticking around. hmmm... i think i better clean up my act. having said so, he has his own terrible sides too ok!

3) family. it used to be only my mum, dad, bro and extended family. now i ve my own 2 lovely boys. yz and yr are one of the best things that could happen to me in my life. i cant say im the best mum in the world but i always try my best to be a good one to them. still a little short in the patience and effort departments, i guess. i can only try harder. my parents are great too. from young, they give me the freedom i crave and is never the strict, law enforcing parents that i so dread. and my r/s with bro does improve as we grow up. haha. so yup, family is good.

4) friends. i consider myself very lucky to be surrounded by some of the people i love alot in the world who love me as well ( i think lah). ive always tried to put in effort in maintaining relations with people that matter to me. for those who dont bother to reciprocate the effort despite me reaching out, i have nothing to say but bye bye to the friendships. i wont get pissed/angry but just dissappointed. but as i said, life goes on. so i wont get too hung up with sad cases like these for too long.

5) career. or just a job? as u can see, i try to list down the above in terms of importance in my life. hehe. im currently in my 3rd job in my 7.5 years of working life since graduation. my 1st job allowed me to gain valuable working experience that definitely work for me in my career progression path. it allows to meet and keep in touch with some great people. till today, im still keeping in touch with a good number of my ex-colls from my 1st job. :) my 2nd job is the one that gives me the least job happiness in my working life so far. all i can say is bad management suck. bad culture suck too. still, i managed to befriend some wonderful people from there too. :) though we only meet up like 2-3 times a year @_@. hehe. since im unhappy then, no point whining and complaining. so i took action and made a job change!

im really lucky to land in my current job. it gives me exposure in an area that i've very limited exposure to before this - financial reporting. and it definitely value-adds to my resume. most importantly, for the past 3 years here, the work-life balance has matched nicely with my family planning. over here, im allowed to spend quality time with yz, had a rather stress-free pregnancy, added yr to our family, have control over my timing to juggle my responsibilities as a wife, mum, daughter, friend etc well. im really thankful for the past 3 years. :)

so it seems like my life is good enough from the above. of cos, i have my fair share of unhappiness in life on-off. but if you notice, i seldom grouse too much here.

because i try not to let negative things get to me so much that ive to blog 'em out. normally, i just whine and scold to friends/family to let off steam and then i move on. as i said, unworthy people/things are really not worth my time and attention. one belief i hold on strongly to is definitely this - if you are unhappy with anything, either accept it or do something. whining/complaining can only bring you so far. at the end of the day, you are still the one facing the shit. not the others.

so for those who really know me, you will realise after a bout of whining, i will try to do something about it. be it just going ahead with the plans, saving up and buying the thing, confronting the person, avoiding the person etc. i will just have to do something. but this is me. i accept and respect those who decide to hang on to something bad. or complain incessantly about the same thing. its just their choice. like its my choice to act on something. for at the end of the day, no matter what is your opinion about others' lives. its still them living their lives, like you are living yours. to each his own. ok ive digressed.

anyway, im supposed to be in this very fortunate situation as mentioned by 1 friend. and i should not be wanting more? instead, i should be contented...... and stay put? im still very confused. i think being contented can co-exist with having the drive/desire for changes? but again, another friend mentioned that if you are contented with your life, there should be no need for changes. hmmmm.... i discussed this matter with ah long. (im so glad that my husband is still willing to entertain me on this subject and actually have the content and arguments to engage in a long enough conversation with me! LOL) we both believe in Maslow's pyramid thingy that at the tip of it is called self-actualization. (wow, we share the same beliefs. good.)

self-actualization is kinda like fulfilling one's potential.

its something like this: self-actualization esteem love and belonging safety needs physiological needs i guess my physiological needs are defintely fulfilled. my safety needs too. i have love and a sense of belonging in my current network of family and friends. i defintely have a healthy sense of self-esteem. what's left is the self-actualization part. and what is this? im clueless. ah long and me have a debate over it. it seems like everyone has a different sort of potential to fulfill. some may want to be the ideal parent. some may want to give love to the unfortunate. some may want to earn those millions. again, you must be clear with what's your potential is and then realizing it. well, most of us despite our old age, is still seeking for the meaning of life. one minute we just want that super career, one minute we just want to be with the love of our life and everything takes a step back etc. but one thing for sure is change is a constant. so is your potential? by mastering the pyramid of needs above, you may not end up being super happy/contented but im sure it will at least bring you one step closer to nirvana. higher degree of life-satisfaction im sure. im still unsure of what i can do, what i can achieve but that should not stop me from constantly trying to understand more, seeking out and venturing into new areas which may not be the answers at the end. afterall, life is but a trial and error. :)

currently, im a little dissatisfied with an aspect of my life. just because im more fortunate than alot of people means i have to stay mute and just stay on? i dont think so. there will always be lots of people worse off than me, same like lots of people more fortunate/successful than me. i wont feel guilty pursing better life when i face those unfortunate people. i wont feel jealous when i see those better off people parading their good life to me. i am just living my own life, like they are living theirs. so long i can answer to myself for my decisions and not affecting anyone negatively directly, why should i care about how people think? ecookie ah ecookie. for ages, ive pride myself to be strong enough to be resilient to others' negative comments or judgemental remarks. so why should i fall this time round? hehe. im back! for those who love me, they will support me unconditionally. just like i've back those i love unconditionally even when they sprout the most unreasonable/illogical thought/action/remark at times. :)

most importantly, ah long has told me that no matter what my decision is, he will support me. this is the best support i can hope for. im truly blessed.

disclaimer: i hope you dun feel im 晒-ing 幸福 here. im really just counting my blessings which i have not done in the longest time.